In between sessions of studying, I think about the movies I have had the fortune to watch in my oh too short time on Earth, and which of these mean the most to me. Hipsters have their Pulp Fiction, and anime fans have their Akira. What do I have? A trio of, IMO, the most engaging, greatest films ever shot and produced, the holy tripartite of Johnny Knoxville's Jackass, Steve Oedekerk's Kung Pow! Enter the Fist, and the most treasured of all: Ed Wood's Plan Nine from Outer Space.
There's really no way to describe the ecstacy of watching this film, and the intellectual orgasm of ingesting lines like "one thing's sure. Inspector Clay is dead, murdered, and somebody's responsible", except to compare it all to swimming in a huge basin filled with delicious, expensive Belgian chocolate, so I'll have to make do with three quick movie quotes from the greatest movie of all time. Ladies and Gentleman, my brief ode to Plan 9 from Outer Space.
"For a time we tried to contact them by radio but no response. Then they attacked a town, a small town I'll admit, but never the less a town of people, people who died."A poignant scene, and a timely rumination on the fragility of the human state, for who can stop a highly advanced alien culture hell-bent on destroying Earth before our scientists discover a bomb which will ultimately explode sunlight at a sub-atomic level? No-one.
"...A flying saucer? You mean the kind from up there?"
"Yeah, either that or its counterpart. "
Sometimes, we are in such a state of profound wonderment such that we lose the linguistic.. t-the linguinity.. the linguine (!) that is absolutely necessary to convey our surprise and confusion. And it takes a person of considerable unflappability to take control of his/her wits, face up to the unavoidable facts of the matter and, indeed, helpfully point out the alternatives.
Colonel Tom Edwards: "You speak of Solaranite. But just what is it?"
Alien: "Take a can of your gasoline. Say this can of gasoline is the sun. Now, you spread a thin line of it to a ball, representing the earth. Now, the gasoline represents the sunlight, the sun particles. Here we saturate the ball with the gasoline, the sunlight. Then we put a flame to the ball. The flame will speedily travel around the earth, back along the line of gasoline to the can, or the sun itself. It will explode this source and spread to every place that gasoline, our sunlight, touches. Explode the sunlight here, gentlemen, you explode the universe. Explode the sunlight here and a chain reaction will occur direct to the sun itself and to all the planets that sunlight touches, to every planet in the universe. This is why you must be stopped. This is why any means must be used to stop you. In a friendly manner or as (it seems) you want it."
Lieutenant John Harper: "He's mad."
Alien Woman: "Mad? Is it mad that you destroy other people to save yourselves? You have done this. Is it mad that one country must destroy another to save themselves? You have also done this. How then is it "mad" that one planet must destroy another who threatens the very existence-..."
Alien: [shoves her roughly aside] "That's enough."
Alien: [to the humans] "In my land, women are for advancing the race, not for fighting man's battles."
---
When the aliens come in the future, both science and feminism will be dramatically and sweepingly exposed as terminal falsities by the vastly superior alien race. It is obvious now that Plan 9 was conceived in a state of intergalactic foresight, and mankind should follow that vision - it is the path to our salvation, and Tom Cruise's.
This concludes my too-brief ode to Plan 9 from Outer Space, which I assure you will not be easily overtaken as the most definitive cultural contribution to the World any filmmaker could ever expect to craft in many lifetimes.
And to address the concerns of more discerning readers: Yes, better than Halo.
posted by Shaocong @ 8:17 AM
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