In between sessions of studying, I think about the movies I have had the fortune to watch in my oh too short time on Earth, and which of these mean the most to me. Hipsters have their Pulp Fiction, and anime fans have their Akira. What do I have? A trio of, IMO, the most engaging, greatest films ever shot and produced, the holy tripartite of Johnny Knoxville's Jackass, Steve Oedekerk's Kung Pow! Enter the Fist, and the most treasured of all: Ed Wood's Plan Nine from Outer Space.
There's really no way to describe the ecstacy of watching this film, and the intellectual orgasm of ingesting lines like "one thing's sure. Inspector Clay is dead, murdered, and somebody's responsible", except to compare it all to swimming in a huge basin filled with delicious, expensive Belgian chocolate, so I'll have to make do with three quick movie quotes from the greatest movie of all time. Ladies and Gentleman, my brief ode to Plan 9 from Outer Space.
"For a time we tried to contact them by radio but no response. Then they attacked a town, a small town I'll admit, but never the less a town of people, people who died."
A poignant scene, and a timely rumination on the fragility of the human state, for who can stop a highly advanced alien culture hell-bent on destroying Earth before our scientists discover a bomb which will ultimately explode sunlight at a sub-atomic level? No-one.
"...A flying saucer? You mean the kind from up there?"
"Yeah, either that or its counterpart. "
Sometimes, we are in such a state of profound wonderment such that we lose the linguistic.. t-the linguinity.. the linguine (!) that is absolutely necessary to convey our surprise and confusion. And it takes a person of considerable unflappability to take control of his/her wits, face up to the unavoidable facts of the matter and, indeed, helpfully point out the alternatives.
Colonel Tom Edwards: "You speak of Solaranite. But just what is it?"
Alien: "Take a can of your gasoline. Say this can of gasoline is the sun. Now, you spread a thin line of it to a ball, representing the earth. Now, the gasoline represents the sunlight, the sun particles. Here we saturate the ball with the gasoline, the sunlight. Then we put a flame to the ball. The flame will speedily travel around the earth, back along the line of gasoline to the can, or the sun itself. It will explode this source and spread to every place that gasoline, our sunlight, touches. Explode the sunlight here, gentlemen, you explode the universe. Explode the sunlight here and a chain reaction will occur direct to the sun itself and to all the planets that sunlight touches, to every planet in the universe. This is why you must be stopped. This is why any means must be used to stop you. In a friendly manner or as (it seems) you want it."
Lieutenant John Harper: "He's mad."
Alien Woman: "Mad? Is it mad that you destroy other people to save yourselves? You have done this. Is it mad that one country must destroy another to save themselves? You have also done this. How then is it "mad" that one planet must destroy another who threatens the very existence-..."
Alien: [shoves her roughly aside] "That's enough."
Alien: [to the humans] "In my land, women are for advancing the race, not for fighting man's battles."
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When the aliens come in the future, both science and feminism will be dramatically and sweepingly exposed as terminal falsities by the vastly superior alien race. It is obvious now that Plan 9 was conceived in a state of intergalactic foresight, and mankind should follow that vision - it is the path to our salvation, and Tom Cruise's.
This concludes my too-brief ode to Plan 9 from Outer Space, which I assure you will not be easily overtaken as the most definitive cultural contribution to the World any filmmaker could ever expect to craft in many lifetimes.
And to address the concerns of more discerning readers: Yes, better than Halo.
Hello Frwiend, B-b-brothers and Fiona,
Now that I've got the look of the blog down, I supposed I'd better start servicing you lovely friends and girlfriend in my usual non-sexual, certainly textual, way that you're so used to. So, I'm going to c-c-contain my enthusiasm and give y'all the good shit, post after post. And by good shit, I certainly mean the picture on the right.
As you would very well know, being either a frwiend, a b-b-brother or the Fiona (who else could possible find this anyway), I'm much better at starting blogs than at keeping them. To far, I have my proud green xanga site at xanga.com/home.aspx?user=Shaocong ; the infinitely snazzier but in the same vein thenewshaocongtimes.blogspot.com ; the site I've started with Shanie kittens for kicks that's called god-knows-what; my haiku site kittensandmittens.blogspot.com ; and probably a few I've forgotten that have formed their a little colony in a forsaken corner of the internet, turning from respectable little websites into sleazy pay ver view animal farm get-ups that steal your credit card numbers. So there.
What's going to happen to these old disused blogs? There's some really good material in there that I am loathe to discard, flashes of brilliance that my addled brain may never visit again in its present vestiges of alcohol induced senility. Oh who am I kidding, beer makes people smarter - FACT. Oh and who am I kidding, these little vignettes could be written by a hamster supplied with a thumbsized thesaurus.
Still, I'd like to preserve them for posterity and show off how smart and funny I used to be. Here are retreads and highlights of my past blogging days, in chronological order:
Looking back at one of the first posts makes me feel warm and funny inside. B-b-brother love! This is a faux advertisement that I wrote when.. well you can read it yourself.
Advertisement:
Hey, all you late owls out there. Feeling burnt out and lost? That's probably because of one simple reason, people: You've just failed TWO Law modules! Yes, failing TWO Law modules in a single semester is known to cause severe depression and tongue ulcers as side symptoms. It's a very rare phenomenon, so much so that I may even be so daring as to say, you're likely to be the ONLY one with it! So, dear Readers, what do you do in such a situation? What can you do?
Well, our company has the perfect product, in fact we also dare say the most ideal solution ever over-marketed. Our new product does wonders for your body and well-being! It even clears nasty blocked nasal passages! It's called the "GetOverItYouFucker (tm)" spray, and it goes right INTO your eyes! No more pain, or tears! [Jan 14 2004]
(Heh I know wenxiang probably doesn't remember what he wrote in the comments page, but I never forgot.. this is the thing to write to cheer up a miserable bastard.)
In addition to our company's long line of fine products, be sure to check out our "BrotherWeNeedYouToSolveOurLegalIssues (tm)" spray.
Another wonderful product that is the result of ultra-fine brother-bonding technology. It makes you feel loved when you are lost in the dark and damp and deep labyrinth of academic pitfalls. Have blocked nose and can't seem to sniff it in? Not a problem, this product can also be administered from one's rear-end (aka The Ass-Hole). It even helps with constipation and diarrhoea!
So what are you waiting for? Order one today and feel the love even when you have lost your CAP, or da-baoed overnight food from the last semester. [Jan 14 2004]
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Sigh, thanks brother.. Probably still in law school because of the encouragement I get from frwiends and family and very muchly the b-b-brothers. Should throw another party at my place this year when we somehow get Adrian and Ryan back from bloody Scotland, and before Wenxiang leaves for the Silicon Valley, ne? And hopefully it lives up to this: -->
Heh, Chinese New Booze Year's coming up, eh Adrian? Time to get wasted again!! Now, moving on thens.
Heh.
This is a picture of Jingwen and Wenxiang visiting my hall room. Over the years, they have seen every one of my rooms in NUS except for the latest one. When, brother?? Adrian and Ryan can attest to its utterly distasteful decor of warm lights and matching colours, though.
On the topic on KE VII, my I'd be lying if I said I didn't have the time of my life their, as well as the chance to meet fabulous and lasting friends like my meiji beach ninja-loving best hall friend CAROLYN *hey babe i love your card! miss ya!* and Mark (who has his own fan site: msfc.blogspot.com ) and Kamal (can I link you?) and the FOX (soon to be linked!) and all the rest of the terrific KE VII people yo! Not that I had a lot of friends mind you, heh. But awesome ones! Very awesome!
Activities.. In KE VII I took part in the hall play, the hall rock band, and idiot activities that occur when you think no one's going to celebrate obscure pagan festivals. Well - o joy! - I've documented all three:
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KE VII HALL PLAY - NEVER TO BE BESTED AGAIN
Entertainment - It has been an eventful year in the Singaporean arts scene, and one of the most memorable performances has been the King Edward VII Hall Production's two hour play, "Barefoot in the Park".
The play had been lauded as "exciting, a sure blockbuster hit - Variety Fair" and "Better than The Ring - Seven Days Magazine" by arts journalist at the preview, and by the reception on opening night, these recommendations were not exaggerated.
With the draw of the curtain, the audience were treated to the sight of lavish and opulent set, made up of warm colour tones and a selection of tasteful yet bohemian mish mash of natural furniture. Many a home maker remarked that "Wow, I'd never be able to make my two room HDB condo flat look like THAT!"
And when the performance began proper, what a performance it was. The audience laughed, they rolled, they dabbed their eyes with their sleeves in barely contained mirth. At at the end of the first act, Victor Velasco, played by first year law student and next year arts student Huang Shaocong, came on and the whole place erupted.
Literally. Like there was a gas leak and everyone died. Fireballs and some screaming. Oh well, Singapore almost had the most important arts event of the century. And NUS used to have a UCC. A minute of silence, for the actors of King Edward VII Hall Productions. [April 15 2004]
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KEVII Band Takes Over The World
(Record label says, “oh no what have we done now…”)
Reuter- The recent resurgence of bad hair-metal bands can be blamed on a band called the “KEVII Band”. Based mainly in Singapore, and occasionally, the whole fucking world, the KEVII band have been hailed as new rock messiahs of the 00’s.
“It’s hard to be modest when you’re better than 99.999% of the rest of the bands out there, but we try. We really do.”
-Anoymous Sexy Member of the KEVII Band
The band has hit every chart in existence at a breakthrough position of #1, including the Gramophone Classical charts, Harlem Jazz Magazine charts and the Swedish Death Metal Pop Hits Chart. Anarchists and common people the world over celebrated as pop queen Britney Spears’ song ‘You Drive My Baby Slave Crazy One More Time’ fell off the Top 40 where it has held strong for six hundred and sixty-six weeks. All forty positions of the chart are now filled up with KEVII Band’s new single, titled ‘I Hate the Retarded “You Drive My Baby Slave Crazy One More Time” Song’.
Iraqi citizens ran out of their war-torn houses and into the streets to welcome the KEVII Band tour buses blasting the hit single ‘I Hate the Retarded…Song’ out of 4000 watt ghetto speakers mounted on the front. Unfortunately, jubilation quickly turned into outrage as civilian casualties mounted, largely due to the bus drivers not being able to see past the massive speakers blocking their windshields.
Lastly, international demand has resulted in the band members finally agreeing to clone themselves into little midget versions of the super rock group, ‘just for the fans’. Be sure to check your local music stores and under your shoe cabinets in the near future for adorable miniature versions of these rockin’ rockers! Rock out! [February 29 2004]
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On Halloween:
"...bountiful, like monkeys trapped in a piñata, the bursting of which releases forth much joy and ooking."
[March 9 2004]
Besides hall life, I'm also a big fan/hater of the local scene. And I used to blog about my love/hate. I love local bands. And I HATE DRUMMER GIRL PR0N!!!111!!one!!11
Why? Why do I hate drummergirlporn so much, so badly, from the bottom of my sole? Because.. because they're goddamned good, that's why, heh. Don't take my word for it, take drummergirlporn's! drummergirlporn.blogspot.com , they r0x0rz!
And a shout-out here to my beautiful keyboardist girlfriend. She's hotter than Amanda Ling.
Now, on to the music business.. or the lack thereof considering they're so indiegirlporn:
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DRUMMER GIRL PORN SUCKS
Today, the music died as a NTU band, the distastefully named 'Drummer Girl Porn' ('DGP'), simply existed in a totally sucky way.
DGP is a local band that won accolades in the music scene, once blazing a path of glory across the stratosphere of sub-par Bon Jovi cover bands that populate the college rock scene. The band members are, corresponding to the above photo: Shaun, Barry, and Dave.
Ever since the band won first runner-up in the prestigious Jam X Band Competition, the members have each attained individual fame and pending sainthood. Various fan-sites appeared all over the vast internet, gushing critical acclaim over their highly original sound. Their music has been vaguely described as a mixture of 90's radio rock, frantic punk riffs, and a heavy blues treatment; and the band, 'a tightly wound melodic outfit, existing only to rock the world to it's undeserving knees'.
However, the band's sound seems to have changed somewhat since then. According to the fans that used to stand behind the band, they now play like "c***-sucking mother****ers". The switch in musical styles, which is now a smooth sugary blend of R&B beats and rehashed Backstreet Boys vocals, has been attributed to the members alternatively turning gay, and violently pussy-whipped.
Fans were nowhere to be found when questioned on the truth of the accusations, but a close friend, Mr Huang Shaocong, commented that:
"I, myself, have heard the band pretty recently, and I can definitely attest to the band turning, uh, gay and pussified. In fact, I've heard better music off a eighty year old Geylang hooker's vagina."
Stay tuned to this reporter, as the New Shaocong Times tries to acquire an exclusive interview with the band itself in the next few weeks. [February 28 2004]
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I should blog about my own band, The Kittens, comprising Liwei Kittens on bass, Lionel Lion on drums, and Shanie Kittens on guitar. But I'll save that for a non-retrospective post and for when I get my pictures from my hall room. Instead, I'll dive into thenewshaocongtimes.blogspot.com and give you the picture of the cutest kittens ever born! Thanks Adeline, for your cats!
This was when Adeline, my neighbour, was out of her mind and wanted to give away these adorable furry mittens.. I mean kittens. Other cute cats are my darling beautiful Fiona's delectable pair - Blackie and Tom - and Yifeng's pretty duo - Marmalade and Munchkins. And of course, er, Liwei and Lionel and Shane.
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KITTENS NEED GOOD HOME!
Beautiful black kitten is a description made utterly redundant by the photo above, taken by the seller, equally beautiful (though of Chinese descent) neighbour of many years, Adeline. I have no idea whether the kitten answers to any name, but if he did, I'd call him Teabags, for no notable reason whatsoever.
A helpful thing to know that this kitten, in addition to being completely adorable, is very active. As active, I may say, as a whole litter of cows! Cows on steroids on a treadmill! That is to say, it is indeed very active.
Anyway to enquire about said kitten, please email the New Shaocong Times at shaocong@animail.net. To sell your own kitten, email the said address. Know first, however, that we do not display shaved pussies. [May 22 2004]
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Shane's usual band is Reverie, increasingly well-known as "that really good almost all commando band" that played at your favourite watering holes. But, back in the day, there were just "that sexy commando band".
REVERIE MELTS HEARTS, ICE CUBES
Reverie got together during the members' NS days, as a crackshot commando unit sweeping through wet hostile jungles armed to the teeth with a pair of month old underwear, serrated combat guitars and sweet rock and roll. After a brief covert stint in Iraq, Reverie returned to Singapore triumphant in having overthrown the dirty American forces – or so they thought.
The band found more success on local soil, however. After they completed their NS, Revenue was immediately hired by the Wala Wala pub, as the Wednesday mainstay band and a permanent safeguard against potential bearded terrorists. The pub patrons’ reception to the band was enormous, resulting in the bar expanding the band stage into the streets to accommodate the newly converted clientele (mostly female).
This is because each Wednesday night, throngs of thong-wearers, both male and female, would descend upon Wala Wala, to watch Reverie play their repertoire of over 80 songs, spread across multiple genres. The pub would be alight with the loving caresses and kisses of the band and patrons. Just last year, the band was commended by the government for their rocking music, and the rocking effect it has on beds, sport cars and eventually, baby cradles.
So, come and watch Reverie, and don’t just bring your lighters… bring some protection too. [September 30 2004]
[Note: These days, they play at Barcelona. So you know where to look, heh]
Before leaving the old xanga blog for good.. I present the most controversial blog entry I've ever put up.. This will explain everything...
... dot dot dot
WHOA!!!! THAT'S GODDAMNED HUGE!!!!
Of course, some would disagree. Comments page:
"seriously. having crabs isn't something to be hoo-hahed over." Posted 4/2/2004 at 5:48 AM by nuttienut
"tiny. puny. and i think this spells p-a-t-h-e-t-i-c." Posted 4/7/2004 at 2:10 PM by xying
"my prof told me today. its not about the size. its about the efficiency. hope its of help." Posted 4/8/2004 at 10:08 PM by xying
Of no help at all is:
"omg! your package even has it's own pair of eyes. i bet it even has it's own microchip. i outta get me one of those!" Posted 4/10/2004 at 1:03 AM by selwyn
Well then! m-m-moving on
What treasures can I retrieve from thenewshaocongtimes.blogspot.com ? To find something post-worthy is not easy. You really have to dig in.
Lol. This picture, and the line above, are reminiscent of a guy who can't help being my classmate whether in secondary school, or university. He always has to end up sitting diagonally in front of me beside a effeminate guy. It can be argued, of course, that these days, the effeminate guy is me. Here's something I wrote up about my Shanie kittens, who you can adore wantonly at whereisthespoon.blogspot.com
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WE RESPECT YOUR PRIVACY
The New Shaocong Times was at the right place at the right time to provide coverage of this fetching person's 22nd birthday party held at Harry's Bar, Esplanade. This handsome person, who would prefer to remain anonymous, and would only give his name as Shane Low Jiawei @ http://whereisthespoon.blogspot.com, told us utterly not to reveal any information about him. We, the editorial team, gravely informed this unknown gentlemen of our policy of complete respect and privacy, and assured him that we would not print his full name and blog address on this website - a promise we have closely kept. [May 22 2004]
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Other people I adore wantonly:
*muacks*
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Finally, a piece I wrote for my hall bash publicity. We were handing out newspapers around school with this as the second-page scoop:
DISASTER REPORT
Reuter – Construction started two months ago at the Esplanade area for the venue of the last party that is slated to occur on the brink of utter apocalypse. Spokesman for the building project, Mr. Didi Olso Wanaparti, told Dé Pressing Times that the following: “would easily host the entire population of the world, or at least what is left of it at the moment. We expect our target crowd would include escaping Eskimos, shaken villagers, and the like. Indeed, this building will be home to the most diverse and international crowd of party-goers Singapore since Womad, though that isn’t really a high [watermark] if you think about it.”
From what Dé Pressing Times can see, Mr. Wanaparti’s statement is not far off the mark. Research done in the National University of Singapore shows that this is the most ambitious and difficult building project ever taken on these shores. The closest contender to the sheer size and scope of the planned structure is the Esplanade, recently pulverized by a falling meteor, and after that, only by the impenetrable barriers constructed for the Hoobastank concert at Sentosa that still occupy the world record for ‘Most Effective Crowd Control Instrument’ in the Guinness Book of World Records.
Dé Pressing Times is also excited to reveal that we have obtained exclusive information on certain features that have been built into the structure. Sprinklers have been installed around the interior, and the sides have been reinforced with alloy titanium plates – indeed, there’s no fun in a party that ends before the world does first. Also, live television and radio broadcasts will be fed into the finished structure to provide a pressing narrative of mankind’s premature doom, while attendants party the last of their lives into oblivion. [September 28 2004]
Guess the theme of the party, boys. Scary thing is what has been happening in the world since then...
To end it all off, a few choice samples from my brief haiku blog, kittensandmittens.blogspot.com . Oh what am I saying - all my blogs are brief! Well, this one is the most succinct, in both period of interest and content.
An Observation!
Felines perch atop
Trees heavy with juicy fruits
Only to pounce on birds
[March 11 2005]
Days of Wine and Noses
Sweet and scarlet juice
Trickles from a halved melon
Forms spots on the sand.
[March 16 2005]
Sorry PGP, for the noise
Wheels roll on tarmac,
Sweat runs down a young boy's back,
Young hearts run free, laugh
[March 17 2005]
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And this one's by Fiona, though not strictly, or even intentionally, a haiku. It's not a haiku.
Fiona's Poem
Singing dancing laughing,
Milo and music.
What joy they bring,
Butterfly,
So high.
*grin*
[March 13 2005]
Right, after all this exposition, I guess what I have to say are some parting words declaring my devotion to upkeeping this blog properly. Instead, I'm going to say the right thing - what's the right thing?
My exams start on the 21st and I'm updating my blog instead of studying. So I guess the right thing is to put this off till exams are over before starting again. Well, hopefully I will succeed, and even more, succeed in coming back to blogging. At the very least, it was a nice diversion, and a convenient excuse to restart an old hobby. I promise better writing, er, more of the time!
Tralala faithful frwiends, b-b-brothers. Fiona. Love all of you!
Meep!
"For a time we tried to contact them by radio but no response. Then they attacked a town, a small town I'll admit, but never the less a town of people, people who died."
